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While taking a walk down the street in times of solitude after getting dumped, you probably expect someone next to you. Walking alone, quietly with your conscience, with your heart which is broken into countless pieces like a glass smashed by a stone, with each part of the heart craving for someone to be beside and be there for you. It’s difficult to say in such times, what you want from life and you choose to be alone with yourself not because you hate being with someone at that moment but because you fear you may get hurt again.
Definitely the presence of that someone is desperately needed who can accompany you and slow down your speed, enjoying each moment gazing at each other and making the journey worthwhile with your heart asking for some more time with that special someone. The melodious and hypnotizing voice in your ears, asking you to do what that person asks for and that which you wouldn’t regret doing for. The smile you would love to die for and soothing touch you would wish to have been there forever with you. Giving you all what you want, giving you solace that was most needed. That someone who can probably be more cheerful than the somber wind that is flowing across your face, someone who can probably take your side, and, understand what you are feeling inside without being caviler in silence and to hold your hand and say what happened was just a nightmare and should be forgotten like a bad memory. In that moment, why would one really care to think about the walk that we may have to take back to our home? Where all the memories are waiting to pounce upon you and tear you apart. Unrequited love makes people go crazy sometimes and that is why, understanding the pain of very small significant humanly possible pain is also possible for them.
In such moments, you would wish never to have bottled the imagination that you were living in and to cork the common sense that had ruined the beautiful moment. But where in the world, you could have thought, that he/she was never yours at all. You regret for loving the person in the first place, but then why regret, when he/she is the one exactly what you wanted most at some point of time? May be, some ingredients were not suppose to work, in favor of yours, for the dish you cooked with all interest gathered from the heart. May be, all your goodwill was not good enough to get him/her in your favor? In those moments of having desolation, we lookout for the peace of mind, a warm feeling that may heal, for a short time of course, the wounds in all the places of your body where it aches and of whose existence in the body, you had no idea before it really aches you right there, when that person hurt you whom you loved and gave the right to do so. It then becomes very difficult to deal with the reality that is biting your skin, bruising all the wounds, every moment, you think of not thinking of him/her.
There are things to wonder in life and it’s not hard to draw conclusions that life is all about bargaining and nothing else. Life is all about give and take. You give in something expecting something in return, no matter how big/small what you give/receive. Love doesn’t resemble life, like the way it does to bargaining. In love, you give yourself and expect very less “to be loved”. How awful can it get when your love is unrequited and are left in tears. It’s very unfair because it’s hardest to get over a person whom you never had. You can never imagine what it takes to get over someone like that because loosing a possession prior to having it is unbearable. With age, everything gets complicated, so do our expectations but was it too much to expect someone to love you? Is what you ask yourself peering into the mirror everyday feeling disgusted. In those very moments, we wish to be little again when you were your daddy's child and expect him to repair everything and makes things good again because skinned knees are, as always, easier to heal than broken hearts. We forget the fact that loving someone is not buying a chocolate from the bakery or Spider-man outfit from the store. It’s a different thing altogether that is never taught by anyone and never brought from anyone.
Gunaah tera naa tha..
Mujhe tanhai mein akele chod dena,
Khata meri hi thi
Tujhe tanhai mein paas samaj lena.
Shakespeare said, "Journeys end in lovers meeting", what an extraordinary thought. But then shouldn’t I think about myself? Wouldn’t you ask questions to yourself about it? What about those whose love remains unrequited? Does their journey never end? Is my journey never going to end? Do i have to live in pain, and die in pain everyday, every passing moment? I try, you try and everybody tries...That’s how it is suppose to end...we try...to move on, to get over it...to bring back parts of your soul to self.. Like others, you go to places where you can find peace, quietness, solitude or whatever that people go away for, in order to forget what’s bothering you. How strange? You even fail to reassure yourself. You want to take him/her out of your life, out of your head and erase him/her from your heart completely but that wouldn’t happen. But it should happen, and when it gets difficult, you say" it is suppose to happen”, you assure yourself again hopelessly. You don’t want him/her to be not happy but you also don’t want them to be happy when you are not. It gets difficult by every second, and you look at places, trying to stop your tears but not trying to divert yourself hardly from what you were thinking. You try to think of every possible reason why he/she is not good for you but then at least one reason pops out saying "you love him/her" and then you try to thrash away that reason out of your mind so badly but it wouldn’t get hurt like the way you got. You stand on your foot, make rounds in the hall, stare out of the window, blame the day for being so longer, and blame everything, everyone that could have, should have possibly stopped you from loving him/her. You clinch your fingers; grit your teeth, and trying to yell out of frustration, say aloud "You are nothing" to him/her who had been "everything" to you once upon a time; but then you back off drying your eyes, trying to cool yourself, judging perhaps that’s how it was meant to me. May be that’s how your destiny was destined to be. Out of nowhere, sometimes you convince yourself that he may see a reason, that he may see the light and show up at your door.
"But it’s not going to work out like that" an inner voice tell you again and again. The most beautiful thing that could possibly happen and that which happens in human life is change. You meet new people, go new places and try to gain yourself back from that lost and fuzzy world. Yes, it happens. The only thing that can help you in getting over is not the books that you read to pass the time, not the music with lyrics matching your story that you listen to reiterate why it ended that way, not the new places that are different from your own place, but by all those new people whom you allow to enter in your life, and who make matters alter automatically. Possibly by watching sprightly old people, naughty children having so much life, so much ‘never-say-die’ attitude in them, changes you and the life around you. The origins of the painful story start fading in the mist of time once after things/people around make you feel worthwhile again. At first, you may act too adamant to forgive the one who broke you heart but then the ‘new’ you, tells you to forget him/her to feel good once again. Of course, there is no moving on without forgiveness and how could a new beginning ever start having not left the old emotional baggage behind? You then, wake up everyday, witness you in the mirror and feel happy for yourself. Not for forgetting what happened but for forgiving and working on what happened. You realize not only that you can be happy without him/her but also that you can live more happily and independently than you could have thought of before. You realize that its not worth to waste a beautiful flower on someone who you never had and you could confidently say to him next time when you encounter him/her “I don’t regret, falling for you but I am proud of getting over you”.
Inspiration: New Moon's The Meadow by Alexandre desplat & My sassy girl 's Put a record on by Unkle bob and partly by The Holiday, My Sassy Girl.
Reviewer: Shweta Naik.
P.S: With this post and on this day, Anubhav completes one year at blogging.Its really a strange feeling to know that i have stick to one idea , of blogging, for one complete year.
P.S.S: Why i started blogging , may remain a secret until i find a superfine reason to talk about it. So until then , not you but i am keeping my fingers crossed.
P.S.S.S: With blogging, a new to-do got added up to my bucket list i.e Writing a Novel. Though i haven't started working on what it would be, but i am working on getting better at writing.
P.S.S: Why i started blogging , may remain a secret until i find a superfine reason to talk about it. So until then , not you but i am keeping my fingers crossed.
P.S.S.S: With blogging, a new to-do got added up to my bucket list i.e Writing a Novel. Though i haven't started working on what it would be, but i am working on getting better at writing.
